New beginnings are always difficult for me…. Outwardly I can appear to be a gregarious social person who can be the life and soul of parties and gatherings, but inside there is an extremely shy person who hates the limelight. I pretend a lot and I can fake it with aplomb although not many people know this. At parties I can shine and chat- while all the time I am wondering if people will see through me and realise that I am completely phony.
I am quiet when I am first introduced to new people and it takes me a while to settle. When I do, I struggle to join conversations and to eventually get to the stage where I can add my opinion or thoughts to whatever is being discussed. I get to know people by listening to them, and as I discover their personalities and gifts, their very human vulnerabilities and frailties, I realise that I am not too different from most. Everyone has their own way of disguising who they are and we can all wear masks at different times.
I am embarking on a new stage in my life and I will face many difficulties in the near future including meeting new people in new environments. I am hoping that the mask I usually wear will not be slipped on automatically as I attempt to navigate this new landscape. I have used humour in the past as a shield to hide behind as I battle through uncomfortable new beginnings and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be able to be myself.
I want people to see the real me- not the pretend funny fat girl who is the life and soul of parties. It’s too hard to keep that mask in place, and for the first time in my life I simply just want to be me.
Hello world… I’m coming at you.